First Love
by loveholixx
Summary: Kenshin no longer belongs to Kaoru. How can she let go of the man she's loved for years? The first man she's ever loved?
1. If Only

**Authors note:** There's a saying in that first love never lasts. This story is about letting go of the first person you have ever loved before.

Standard **disclaim** apply.

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><p>::Chapter 1::<p>

Kaoru nervously took a deep breath. Her hands were shaking almost uncontrollably and she didn't want to walk into the coffee shop in that state. She didn't want _him_ to know just how much he still disturbed her after all these years.

_It's now or never, Kaoru_, she scolded herself before reaching for the door. She was half tempted to run away yet again. Chuckling at her foolish reaction, she pushed the door open and walked into the cozy coffee shop she knew Kenshin was waiting for her in.

The moment she took a step into the store, she felt a sense of déjà vu as she set her eyes on the familiar red hair.

Kenshin.

He was sitting with his back to the door, so he hadn't seen her yet. He still looked as good as ever. Inwardly, she grimaced at that thought.

Taking small, hesitant steps toward him, she stopped when she was right behind him, taking the image of him all in, treasuring it. She jumped slightly when he suddenly turned around and grinned.

"Kaoru!" he exclaimed, grinning.

Taken back, she overreacted trying to hide her reaction to his presence.

"Ahahaha! Hey, how've you been, Kenshin," she laughed forcibly, smacking him really hard on the back.

"Ow~ you still have the most powerful arms of any girls I know, huh?" he grimaced as he tried to massage his back.

That brought a genuine smile to her face.

"Yeah," she agreed. "Not much has changed."

He smiled quietly, and nodded. "Indeed."

"Well, let me put my stuff down and order a cup of coffee," she said, putting her purse down and taking her coat off.

Kenshin jumped up. "No, no. You sit down; I'll order your drink. What would you like?"

Kaoru hesitated. "You sure?"

Kenshin smiled and nodded. "Yeah."

After a brief moment, Kaoru nodded. "Ok. Can you order me a tall, double-shot, soy caramel macchiato?"

Kenshin's eyes popped open. "Man, such a mouthful," he laughed. "Ok, hold on."

As Kenshin walked away, Kaoru couldn't keep her eyes off of his form. Sitting down, she quietly observed him.

He hadn't changed much over the years. He seemed to have grown some but that was it. His mannerisms and laid-back personality was unchanged and it reminded her of all their good old days together.

It had been almost 6 years since she had last seen Kenshin. She couldn't remember _why_ they had broken up, just that they had.

Sadly, it was after that they had broken up that she had realized just how much he had meant to her. But by then, it had been too late.

Wistfully, she smiled sadly as she remembered wishing for years for Kenshin to come after her. It had been 6 years, and he never had. And she had learned to let go.

Kaoru smiled as Kenshin approached with a tray full of mini desserts and her mug of soy caramel macchiato.

"Still flirting with anything female?" she teased.

Kenshin laughed. "What? No way!"

She thanked him as he handed her the mug of coffee. Taking a sip, she studied him as he sat studying her, sipping his cup of coffee.

"It's been a long time," Kenshin said.

Kaoru nodded. "Yeah, it has been. How have you been? I heard you just came back from your two year mandatory service in the army."

Grimacing, Kenshin nodded. "It was horrible. You're so lucky you're female."

Kaoru laughed. "Agreed."

"I've heard news of you from time to time from people," she offered.

"I used to stalk your facebook," he replied, embarrassed.

Laughing, Kaoru nodded. "Can't say I haven't done that either."

Together, they laughed at their embarrassment.

Just like that, Kenshin and Kaoru fell into a calm camaraderie like back in high school. Laughing at personal anecdotes and teasing each other, they caught up each other on their lives.

Kaoru felt the familiar yearning stir in her heart as she sat, listening to Kenshin talk about his life that she no longer was part of. The all too familiar sadness took hold of her.

As their conversation came to a lull, Kenshin glanced at his watch.

"Man, it's already been this long? I'm sorry, Kaoru but I got to go now," Kenshin said, looking apologetic.

"Yeah, you did mention that you wouldn't be able to stay too long."

Kenshin grinned. "Yeah, I have a plane to catch in two hours. Gotta head to the airport now."

Quizzically, Kaoru inclined her head. "Business trip?"

If ever, Kenshin's smile grew even brighter. "Nope. I'm heading to Japan."

"Oh! You've always wanted to go, didn't you?"

Kenshin nodded. "Well, I've been there many times since high school but this time it's special."

Kaoru looked at Kenshin questioningly.

"Kaoru, I'm getting married!"

In shock, Kaoru dropped the mug that she had been about to drink from. The mug emptied the remaining coffee all over her black suit before landing on the floor with a resounding crash, shattering into pieces.

"Kaoru!" Kenshin exclaimed, rushing over to her in shock.

Kaoru gave a nervous laughter, blushing from the effort it took to control her sudden urge to cry.

"I…I'm okay, Kenshin. I was just shocked…"

"Idiot," he muttered as he handed her napkins.

Kaoru smiled, hiding her pain very well. "Yeah. That's me."

She avoided meeting his eyes, making attempts to dry the coffee off her suit.

She groaned. "I _just_ had this dry cleaned."

"You okay?" he asked quietly.

Kaoru gazed up, smiling brightly at him. "What? Oh, yeah. I'm okay. Just a bit shocked. So, married, eh? Whew. So early!"

Kenshin gave a small smile. "Yeah, but you know I've always wanted to marry early."

"But at 23? Didn't see that one coming," she muttered. "Anyways, let's head out now, shall we? You have a plane to catch, and I now have a suit to get cleaned."

Kenshin seemed to hesitate for a moment. "…yeah."

Giving him another false, bright smile, she stood and pulled her coat on, hiding the coffee stain. Picking up her purse, she headed to the barista to apologize for the mug and the extra work she had created for the poor girl. She dropped a twenty-dollar bill into the tip jar and headed for the door where Kenshin was waiting for her.

"So…I guess this is goodbye?" she said.

"Well, I'm moving nearby after I come back to the States. Let's have dinner when I do, you know, double date. You and your man, me and my wife," he suggested.

Kaoru smiled. "Yeah, sure," she agreed, not bothering to correct him and tell him she was single because she had no intentions of ever seeing him again. It would be too hard for her to see him _married_…to another girl.

Kenshin pulled her into a bear hug. "It was great seeing you again, Kaoru. I'll see you when I get back."

Kaoru gave a brave smile, feeling the torrent of tears brewing inside. "It was great seeing you, too. Have a great wedding and good luck! Be happy!"

She quickly turned away and walked away, unable to watch him any longer.

"Kaoru!" he called.

She stopped, but didn't turn.

"I'll call you when I get back! Bye!"

She heard him hail a cab and slam the door closed. As soon as she heard the cab drive off, she let the tears fall.

Kaoru picked up her phone and dialed.

'Hello?'

"Misao…."

'Kaoru?'

Kaoru bit back a sob. "Kenshin…he's getting married!"

Finally, her self-control broke, as she sank to the floor on the busy street of New York. People gave her strange looks as they walked around her.

'What? What? Kaoru, where are you? Come over here now!'

Kaoru sobbed as she nodded, pulling herself up. "Okay…I need a drink."

With tears streaming down her face, Kaoru hailed a cab and stepped in. She sat staring out the window with unseeing eyes, reminiscing down memory lane.

Reality sat in.

_So, this is how my first love ends,_ she thought sadly. She sighed, regretting.

If only…

_If only I could turn back time. _

_I would make things right…_


	2. Bittersweet

**Author's Note: **This is a very complicated chapter. So please pay attention to the details as the present Kaoru is reminiscing about the past and as the Kaoru in the past is also reminiscing about an even further past.

Standard** disclaim** apply.

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><p>::Chapter 2::<p>

_Kaoru sat in silence. She couldn't even remember the name of the movie they had bought tickets for. _

_She glanced at the boy next to her, quickly glancing away when he met her gaze questioningly. He reached out and gently took her hand in his, then turned his attention to the screen. She looked down at the hand that gently held hers and felt trapped. But she left her hand in his. _

_Turning her attention back to the screen, she watched the movie with unseeing eyes, lost deep in thought. _

_Tension had been escalating in their relationship for a while now. However, neither one of them were willing to talk about the problems arising in their relationship. Even now, Kaoru didn't know how to bring it up…and it seemed, neither did Kenshin. _

_Kaoru thought back to the beginning when they had first met on the first day of high school. Just having had gotten out of a relationship that summer with her first boyfriend Akira, she hadn't thought she'd get into another relationship right away. Despite the relationship having been the typical middle school puppy love romance, it still had hurt her pride to know that Akira had begun to date her nemesis, Megumi. _

_So, in all honesty, she had been quite wary when she had met Kenshin on the first day of high school in homeroom. _

Kaoru smiled a little in remembrance. Perhaps she had been pre-destined to meet and to love Kenshin from the beginning.

_Her heart had fluttered when he had smiled at her in welcome. Their homeroom teacher had been the biology teacher, so unlike their other fellow classmates who had regular classrooms, theirs had been in the lab room with the signature large table with stools around the table._

_But it was the perfect setting, as the other Japanese kids in their homeroom sat together, taking over one out of the six tables. _

_Kaoru glanced at Kenshin in the darkness, taking in his sharp features. _

_She had had every single class during that semester with Akira and to say that things were awkward for her was an understatement. But, as she and Kenshin had become friends, everything had turned out all right. _

_What she hadn't counted on, however, was for Kenshin to fall for her…as she had for him. Another thing she hadn't counted on was…for her ex-boyfriend to still have feelings for her. _

_Akira hadn't wanted to lose her, but when Kenshin had asked her out, she had said yes, no hesitations. _

_But their road to love had been tumultuous despite their growing feelings for each other. _

_Even though she had been happy with Kenshin, the guilt of hurting Akira had eaten away at her. It hadn't been especially easy, as she had had every single class with Akira. _

_Tension between the three of them had escalated when Akira and Kenshin had stopped talking when Kenshin had found out about Akira's lingering feelings for her. _

_Kaoru sighed, closing her eyes against the flood of memories, finding security in the darkness of the theater._

_Granted the reason may have been due to his familial matters, but ultimately, Kenshin had left the school and had transferred. He had made the decision to leave her, choosing to keep both friend and love rather than to lose both. _

_In the end, however, Akira had given her up and she was able to reconcile with Kenshin and for a while, things had been great. _

_Kaoru scrounged her eyebrows against the oncoming bout of headache. _

_But their beginning had been rocky, and that beginning ate away at the base of their relationship. _

"No matter how much I had loved him, ours wasn't meant to last," she murmured to herself.

"Excuse me, miss?" the taxi driver asked, looking at her through the rearview mirror.

Kaoru smiled wistfully, shaking her head. "Nothing…"

"_Kaoru…?" _

_Kaoru sat up in attention, looking around to an empty theater. Lost so deep in thought, she hadn't even realized that the movie had ended, and that everyone else had already evacuated the theater. _

"_Are you alright?" Kenshin peered at her, worried. _

_Kaoru nodded silently. _

_They stood up to leave the theater, walking hand in hand, but with a heaviness weighing each step. _

_They stopped in front of the theater and Kenshin gently turned her around to face him. _

_Both knew without speaking that the end had come. To continue this way would only bring detrimental results to their relationship. _

_Kaoru held the tears back, watching Kenshin do the same. _

_Kenshin gently cusped her face in his warm hands and kissed her on the forehead. Closing her eyes against the familiar longing in her heart, she felt a tear seep through her bangs. _

"_Be well, Kaoru…" Kenshin whispered. _

_Kaoru nodded. "I'm sorry…" _

_Kenshin drew her into his arms roughly, holding onto her tightly. "Be happy. I'm sorry things couldn't be different…let's end it before we hurt each other any more." _

_Kaoru whimpered against the vine of pain that wound itself around her heart. _

_Not wanting Kenshin to see her tears, she briskly pulled herself out of his arms and turned away. Taking a deep breath, she took the first step, then the second, and then the next until she was a safe distance away from him. _

_Then, the tears came cascading down her face and the cries of pain pushed up from the depth of her being. _

_She had to let him go. He had to let her go. Sometimes, love just wasn't enough. _

Kaoru paid the taxi driver and numbly stumbled out of the car.

Walking down memory lane is seldom a journey full of joy.

For her, Kenshin had been the "one that got away." And now, he would eternally be that.

Always, he had stayed not far from her memories. Always, he had been the standard for comparison for every single guy she had dated thereafter.

She wanted to scream in frustration, in pain…and in anguish. But not a single sound escaped her throat.

She walked. And walked.

As she walked, she grew further away from her destination, Misao's apartment. But she didn't care.

The all-too-familiar feelings of apathy overcame her, drowning her in it.

People pushed pass her on the busy streets of SoHo.

She stepped into the crosswalk, but she hadn't seen the red Ford Mustang as it ran the red light.

People screamed, yelling at her to get out of the way. She looked up with uncomprehending eyes.

Slowly, as realization dawned on her, she watched in horror as the sports car came straight for her.

She screamed.

She saw the dark clouds moving in on the clear, blue sky in slow motion as her body flew into the air. No sound escaped her this time.

She closed her eyes against the world, shutting it out.

A breath escaped her as she fell into darkness as her body hit the hard, cement street of New York.

_Finally, blessed silence…_


	3. Dreams

Standard **disclaim** apply.

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><p>::Chapter 3::<p>

It hurt.

The light that stabbed from beyond her closed eyes hurt. Pain seemed to seep through every single muscle throughout her body. Tinnitus rang in her ears.

Despite all that, she opened her eyes.

She knew she was in the hospital. Staring at the pristine, white hospital ceiling, she wondered why she _hadn't_ died.

She closed her eyes once more, wanting to close out the world and abandon it altogether.

The door opened and closed quietly in the far corner, but Kaoru paid no attention to it. Not even when soft footsteps approached her hospital bed. She wanted to drown in her misery.

"Kaoru, please…please, wake up…" came a quiet voice, pleading. A familiar voice. A voice that couldn't be…

"Great. Now I'm hearing things," she muttered to herself.

"Kaoru?"

The voice was actually quite real. Kaoru's eyes popped open.

"…Ken…shin?" she asked, questioningly.

Warm hands clasped hers.

"You're awake!" Kenshin cried.

Kaoru could only nod mutely, afraid that the turn of events was merely a dream.

The next couple of hours breezed past as Kenshin rang the doctor and she was rushed into a series of tests.

"Well, missy here is healing up quite nicely," Dr. Sanosuke concluded, pulling his stethoscope away from her chest.

"I _still_ can't believe _you're_ a doctor…" Kaoru grumbled from the bed, glaring at Sano.

Sano merely chuckled. "Well, just because I _act_ like an idiot doesn't mean I _am_ an idiot," he teased her. "Plus, I'm not a doctor yet since this is only my second year of residency."

"Yeah, well, who'd have thought you'd even get into med school," Kaoru asked in a serious tone.

Sano glared at her. "Remember, I'm your doctor…" he said threateningly.

"Oh, I'm _so_ scared," she replied, rolling her eyes. "Remember, I'm your _patient_. I'm hurt."

Sano made a growling sound but turned away all the same, voting to ignore her than smack her, as he wanted to do.

Meanwhile, Kenshin had been standing back, grinning the Kenshin-grin, enjoying the little byplay.

"You guys will never change, no, I don't believe you will," he said, only to jump in surprise when Sano whirled his attention to him.

"Why aren't you on your plane?"

"Uh, what?" Kenshin asked dumbfounded at the sudden focus on him.

"Why. Are. You. Here…?" Sano asked slowly, as if he were speaking to a child.

"Ok, you can stop treating me like an idiot now," Kenshin replied wryly. "I missed my plane and was waiting for the next one when I got the phone call from Misao."

"Uh huh. And what is your fiancé going to say about you missing your flight?" Sano asked with a slightly accusing look in his eyes that he couldn't quite hide altogether.

"Don't worry," Kenshin said, eyes beginning to flash with annoyance. "I already told her that I'm at the hospital because a friend got hurt."

At the words "friends", Kaoru turned away as if physically avoiding the words.

Friends. Yes, they were just friends.

It was the truth, so why did she feel like crying at that words?

Noticing her distress, Sano began to push Kenshin out of the hospital room.

"Out, out. She needs to rest."

"Ok, ok. I'm going," Kenshin chuckled. "Now it really does seem like a doctor, thinking about your patient's wellbeing like that."

"Oi, let me repeat. I may act like an idiot, but I'm not an idiot," Sano grumbled.

Kenshin laughed. "Bye, Kaoru. I'll come back tomorrow so get some rest!" he said, beaming at her. Then, waving, he disappeared.

Sano lingered behind and a calm wave of silence surrounded the two people left behind.

Approaching her bed, Sano gently laid a hand on her head.

"You alright?" he asked in quiet concern.

At his gentle tone, the tears that she had kept at bay came pouring over her face. She gasped back a sob as sorrow wound itself around her.

Sano sighed as he pulled her into his arms, letting her cry all over his once-pristine white coat. But truth be told, he didn't mind as his concern for her well-being overcame his need for cleanliness.

He ran a warm, gentle hand over her back, softly murmuring "shhh" as she cried.

"Shhh, it's ok. It'll be ok."

After the moment passed, Kaoru curled into Sano's arms, exhausted from crying.

"Thanks. For being my friend when I need you," she whispered, voice hoarse. "You're surprisingly a good guy."

"You _just_ knew that?" he asked in mock indignation.

Kaoru giggled. "Just…thanks."

Sano sighed. "You're an idiot, just the same."

"…I know."

"I know we weren't the best of friends back in high school since I ran with the older crowd and haven't kept in touch but…even an rooster head like me can see you're not over Kenshin. More importantly, have you _ever_ been over him?"

Kaoru didn't speak. She didn't have to since they both knew the answer. She'd never gotten over him.

It had been to the point where she began to despise one famous actress _just because_ Kenshin's now ex-girlfriend had looked like her.

Kaoru sighed. "So who's the bigger idiot now?"

"Really, Kenshin's my cousin, but he's an idiot too."

Kaoru laughed. "Well, I guess that's why we were known as the idiot drama couple back in high school, huh?"

Sano smiled wryly. "Yeah…the love triangle between you, Kenshin, and Akira was _the talk_ back then."

She smiled sadly. "But in the end, we all let go of one another. A love with a beginning such as ours…wasn't bound to last."

Silence descended upon them as they both sat down and reminisced, each lost in their own thoughts of the past.

Kaoru broke the silence first.

"Hey, Mr. Doctor. Aren't you supposed to be busy?"

Sano grinned. "So, I finally look like a doctor to you, huh?"

"Well, ya know~ you're wearing the white coat and all, but seeing that you have so much time to hang out with me…" she replied tongue-in-cheek, and stopped, grinning.

Sano flicked Kaoru gently on the head and stood up, slightly grimacing at the dampness on his shoulder.

"Well, missy, thanks for the shower. Now, rest up," he ordered as he strode out, winking at her.

Kaoru waved him off and lay back on her bed. She sighed as she looked at her broken leg, and then turned her gaze to the ceiling.

_He should've just gone to Japan_, she thought miserably. _At least, then, I wouldn't have any more reasons to cry over him. _

It had been a long five years of constantly working to not think about him. The miserable longing that she had buried deep within her heart. The torturous longing that escaped every time she'd heard news of him through friends who didn't know her true feelings.

Even now, after knowing that Kenshin merely considered her a friend, she felt the familiar longing bloom in her chest.

"Go away," she muttered, attempting to wave off the detrimental feelings, but to no avail.

The seed of longing had been planted when she had agreed to meet him for coffee…after five, stupid, long years.

She growled in annoyance.

Now, the seed of longing had grown roots and had taken a hold of her heart once more.

She imagined the nameless, faceless fiancé. She wanted to erase her…

She dreamed, smiling a little as she played with the images in her head.

Kenshin and Kaoru. Together.

Kaoru could picture the beautiful, white ball gown-style wedding dress trailing behind her as she walked towards Kenshin, watching him behind the delicate, lace veil that covered her face. She clutched the beautiful bouquet of white lily with a touch of magenta tea roses. Kaoru smiled dreamily.

Kenshin stood in front of the church, waiting for her in his white, tuxedo with a vest that matched the roses in her bouquet.

She imagined them looking deeply into the others' eyes, speaking vows of love that went beyond the "I do's", loving each other so much that words were not enough.

They would walk down the aisle, married, and greet the cheering crowd as "Mr. And Mrs. Kenshin Himura" as they pop streamers and throw glitter into the air in congratulations.

Kenshin would help her into the waiting white limo, ready to take them away.

Kenshin would turn to her…

But it wasn't Kaoru he was smiling down at, and it wasn't Kaoru in the beautiful wedding gown of her dreams.

Kaoru clenched her fists to her twisting heart in agony.

"Don't," she whispered into the night. "Don't marry her…"

A tear escaped from her eyes and fell onto the pillow.

_"Marry me…"_

Outside of her hospital room, a shadow stood at the door with a hand posed above the handle, paused in indecision.

Slowly, the outreached hand curled into a fist; almost as if willing itself to refrain from flinging the door open.

Kenshin turned away from the door. He had returned to drop off a couple magazines for Kaoru to read when she got bored, only to find Kaoru weeping.

Just as silently as he had come, Kenshin slowly walked away, lost in deep thought.

_Oh, Kaoru..._


	4. Deja Vu

**Author's Note**: My sincere apologies for the late update.

Standard **disclaim** apply.

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><p>::Chapter 4::<p>

The next morning, Kaoru opened her eyes to a somber Sano looking down at her.

She yelped in surprise.

"What are you doing here? Don't look at me when I'm sleeping, you stalker!" she exclaimed, clutching her thundering heart. "Gah, don't do that! Scared me to death!"

Sano gave a reluctant grin. "Sorry, my bad," he apologized, but he kept a careful eye on her.

Puzzled, she tilted her head in question. "Is there something wrong?" she asked quizzically.

Sano shook his head as he turned away. "Stay here, I'll go tell the nurse you're up for breakfast," he said as he walked out.

"Well, it's not like I _can_ go anywhere by myself anytime soon _anyways_," she muttered under her breath.

What was his deal anyways?

She rolled her eyes at Sano's strange antics and stretched, yawning.

"You look like a lioness," came an amused voice.

She choked and coughed.

As a concerned Kenshin rushed over to pat her back, she glared at him mid-cough.

"_What_ is it with everyone this morning?" she asked, annoyed. "Did you all eat something wrong this morning? Freaking everyone is scaring me shitless."

Kenshin chuckled.

"I'm guessing Sano's been in, then," he asked, but it seemed more of a statement to Kaoru.

Rolling her eyes, she nodded. "As soon as I opened my eyes, Sano decided to give me a minor heart attack."

Kenshin gave a noncommittal nod. "He hasn't said anything?" he asked, nonchalantly.

Kaoru looked at Kenshin with piercing blue eyes. "Was he supposed to?"

"No. Not in particular," Kenshin replied, smiling.

Kaoru stared at him for a long moment with suspicion in her eyes. "What is going on, Kenshin?" she asked, serious.

Before he could reply, however, Sano himself stalked in with her breakfast. He glared at Kenshin as he set the food in front of Kaoru.

Sano smiled down at Kaoru as he helped her sit up. "Special request just for you. Your favorite, clam chowder soup with oyster crackers."

Kaoru instantly brightened, beaming with excitement. "Wow, really? I haven't had really good clam chowder in ages! Thanks, Sano. You're the best!"

"Yes, I know," he replied cockily. Then, abruptly, he turned to Kenshin. "Can I see you outside?"

Kenshin gave a short nod and followed Sano out.

_Something was amiss, but what? _she wondered, as she slowly chewed the contents of her delicious soup.

As she ate her food, she could barely hear Sano and Kenshin's voice from through the closed door.

It sounded as if Sano was arguing with Kenshin.

_But what would they have to argue about?_

Something definitely was amiss.

Shrugging, she concentrated on her soup. Surely one of them would break down and give her the details later.

Kaoru jumped at the sudden intrusive voice.

"What about Tomoe!" Sano yelled.

_What about Kenshin's fiancé? _

Kaoru stopped eating and strained to hear more. However, Kenshin replied very quietly and she couldn't hear his reply.

But soon enough, there was a click as Kenshin opened the door and walked in.

Kaoru presumed the angry, retreating footsteps belonged to Sano.

"So, why is Sano so angry?" she asked, as she brought a spoonful of soup to her mouth.

"Just a minor disagreement, no worries," Kenshin smiled reassuringly.

"I don't think I've ever seen you two disagree over _anything_."

Kenshin gave a noncommittal sound and shrugged.

An awkward silence fell upon them.

Kenshin was the first to break the silence.

"Actually," came his quiet, calm voice. "The only other time he was this angry was when we broke up…"

"Huh?" she looked at him blankly.

Kenshin stared out the window with a small reminiscent smile on his face.

"Yeah," he continued. "He thought I was a douche bag for giving up."

"Well, it had nothing to do with him so…" she replied, raising the cup of soup to sip on, as she tried to ignore her clenching heart.

"He's mad now 'cause I broke off the engagement with Tomoe…"

Kaoru dropped the cup of soup, shocked.

She yelped as the content of the soup flew in all directions.

"Oh, my god!"

Kenshin laughed. "You're making a habit of this."

"Yes, well, you're making a habit of shocking me every time I have something in my hand it seems," she retorted back. "Grab me a towel, won't you?"

Chuckling, he handed her a towel.

Kaoru proceeded to wipe the soup off herself.

"So," she began, unable to meet his eyes. "Why?"

Kenshin leaned back into his chair. "Why what?"

"Why break off the engagement?" she asked, glaring at his calmness.

He sat in silence for a moment, looking at the nervous form of Kaoru as she absently wiped at her clothes.

"Must you ask?" he asked quietly, willing her to look at him.

When she finally did, sadness was apparent in her eyes.

"Because of me?"

Kenshin reached for her face. "Yes," he whispered, rubbing his thumb softly along her lips.

"You didn't love her?" she asked, looking deeply into his eyes, seeing the lingering pain there.

"…I did…"

"Then, why?" she asked, closing her eyes against the pain.

"…because I love you, too."

At his words, Kaoru felt both elation and sadness twirl around her heart.

She closed her eyes. _Just a little bit…I just want to be selfish…just for a little bit…that's all I need. _

Kaoru grasped Kenshin's hands in hers.

Opening her eyes, she looked deeply into his eyes.

"Then, is it ok for me to hold onto your hand?" she asked, though already knowing how this would end.

Kenshin smiled. "Of course. So, don't let go anymore."

_Stupid Kenshin…_

Kaoru smiled, hiding her sadness from him.

Even if Kenshin didn't, she knew the outcome of their relationship. It would end before it began.

Kenshin gathered her close in his arms, settling himself beside her on the bed. As she struggled against her tears as she snuggled closer into him, he pressed gentle kisses into her hair.

Suddenly, he pretended to gag, breaking the somber atmosphere in the room. "You should wash your hair."

"What?" she exclaimed, too, caught up in the moment that Kenshin had created. "I just washed it last night!"

Kenshin gave an innocent look as he shook his head. "Nope, can't tell at _all_. Come on, let's wash your hair. I'll even sacrifice myself and shampoo for you."

Kaoru rolled her eyes. "Sure. The last time you attempted to help me with anything ended up with you tickling me crazy and with me peeing my pants!"

"Oh, yeah!" he exclaimed, remembering, as he doubled over with laughter. Mid-laugh, he could barely make out a, "and you had to borrow a pair of my jeans!"

Kaoru giggled, too. "Yeah, it was the most embarrassing moment in my entire life!"

Gathering her in his arms as he carried her to the bathroom, he leaned in to kiss her forehead. "It was really cute."

"Yeah, sure," she retorted. "What guy thinks a girl who pees her pants is cute?"

"No, really," he insisted, grinning.

Kaoru looked away. "Then, you're just weird."

Kenshin laughed. "Maybe."

Kenshin spent the rest of the day by Kaoru's side, and the next, then the next. But the more time he spent with her, the more Kaoru grew sadder.

Each morning, Kenshin would come visit her, spending endless laughter with her. Slowly, but surely, her broken bones were on the mend and she would leave the hospital soon.

She was happy with Kenshin, but at the same time, she grew sad knowing that there were moments he would think of his fiancé Tomoe. She could see a distant look in his eyes at those instances.

_Yes, I know how this will end. God, just let me hold onto a few moments…that's all I ask._

Each moment Kenshin spent with her, she preciously drew each memory, hugging it to her heart.

These memories, she would pull out in those moments that she needed him the most.

Each laughter they shared, each physical contact they made, each smile he gave…she drew them in as if moth to a light source.

Finally, the day came when she was fully well to leave the hospital.

Kenshin came to help her gather her stuff. He would be bringing her home.

"Have you packed everything?" came a voice at the door.

Upon seeing Sano, Kaoru let a bright smile escape. "Hey!"

Grinning, Sano walked in and proceeded to noogie Kaoru.

Kaoru smacked his arm away. "Stop treating me like a kid!"

"But you're so small!" he exclaimed, teasingly.

"Mou!"

Kenshin chuckled. "Stop teasing her so much, Sano. She's gonna grumble all the way home."

Studying the already sulking form of Kaoru, Sano replied, "Perhaps. Anyways, I've already checked her out."

"Thanks."

Sano didn't reply right away, instead stared down at Kenshin.

"Don't thank me," Sano retorted. "I'm not doing this for you."

"I know," Kenshin replied quietly. "Still, thanks."

"Can we go now?" Kaoru piped up from the background, impatiently.

Both men smiled and chuckled at Kaoru's childish antics.

"Yeah," Sano smiled at Kaoru, ruffling her hair. "Be careful on the way home, alright?"

"Again," Kaoru replied, rolling her eyes. "Not a child."

"Ok, ok. Still, be careful. Don't come back here in pieces again. I may be a great doctor but even genius doctors get tired of putting Humpty Dumpty back together again," Sano said in a teasing voice.

Kaoru stuck her tongue out at Sano. "Say what you will. Let's go, Kenshin!"

She breezed out the door and the two men waved a hand in goodbye.

At the lobby, Kaoru exited the hospital and inhaled the warm spring air. Two months in the hospital really was too much.

Excited by the newfound freedom, she suggested they walk the couple blocks to her home.

_The long way home, _she thought sadly.

It would give her the perfect opportunity.

With a heavy heart, she clutched Kenshin's hand in hers.

"Kaoru, is something wrong?" Kenshin asked in concern.

Suddenly, Kaoru got a sense of déjà vu. This feeling…a repetition of years long ago…the first time they had broken up.

The first time round, she had let him go, not wanting to hurt anymore and not wanting to hurt him anymore.

This time round, she would have to let him go…because of the love he held for another woman that held him down.

She knew how this would end, had known from the beginning. Their relationship always had an end. It was a fate that she could never change it seemed.

In the end, whether she let go of him now or later, his love for Tomoe would destroy the love Kenshin had for Kaoru. And vice versa.

Kaoru laughed bitterly.

"Why," she began. "…why is ours one that always needs to end?"

Kenshin stopped. "What?" His voice had grown quiet, strangely quiet.

Kaoru smiled at Kenshin, sadness apparent in her eyes. "I'm sorry."

Puzzled, Kenshin looked down at Kaoru questioningly. "For what?"

"For doing this to you once again…"

"Doing wha— "

Even before he could finish his sentence, Kaoru brushed off his hand that held hers.

"Go."

"What are you saying?"

"Go to her, Kenshin."

"To who?" although he already knew the answer.

"Your fiancé."

"My _ex_-fiance."

"You still love her—"

"—No!" he denied harshly.

But she continued as if he hadn't spoken. "—I can see it in your eyes. You know…you get this distant look in your eyes, and I know it is in those moments that you're thinking of her."

Kaoru smiled.

"You're going to do this again to us?" Kenshin asked quietly, angrily.

Kaoru understood his anger. "Yes," she whispered. "I have to. You still love her…"

"I love you!" he yelled, not caring about the curious glances they were receiving. "I chose you!"

"No!" she screamed. "I got hurt! You were obligated!"

"Stop! I love you! Don't do this!"

"I have to, don't you see?" she begged. "If I don't, you're going to regret it."

"I won't!" he insisted.

Kaoru looked deeply into his eyes. "But you already do."

Silence fell upon them. Curious onlookers stole glances at them as they walked passed.

"That's not your problem. It's mine. You don't understand."

Kaoru knew, had known, his answer. Yet, it didn't stop the hurt from gripping her heart, threatening to rip it apart.

"No," she replied sadly. "I would grow to hate you since you wouldn't be able to love me with your whole heart just as you would hate me for not letting you go…"

"No," Kenshin replied coldly, shaking his head. "I can't forgive you for breaking my heart a second time. Loving you wholeheartedly…I had already begun to...you should have trusted me. Goodbye, Kaoru."

Kenshin pushed passed a shocked Kaoru and disappeared among the string of people.

"I had already begun to…"

"_I had already begun to…" _

_He had already begun to…love me…only me…Oh, my God. What had I done?_

She twirled around, searching desperately for Kenshin.

Red hair!

He was just up ahead, crossing the street…and the…

Deep dread filled her heart as she saw a truck swerve around the corner, heading straight for Kenshin.

"Noooo!" she screamed, pushing past the hurdle of people.

Without a second thought, she shoved Kenshin out of the way, once again flying through the air.

"Kaoru!" came a scream.

She saw the dark clouds moving in on the clear, blue sky in slow motion as her body flew into the air. No sound escaped her.

She closed her eyes against the world, shutting it out.

A breath escaped her as she fell into darkness as her body hit the hard, cement street of New York.

Shaking hands grabbed her hand as a pool of blood formed around her head.

_Kenshin…he's…ok…_

Then, she smiled gently into the cold concrete street and she sighed a breathe of relief. And let go.

"Kaoru! No! No! NO! NO! NOOOOO!"

* * *

><p><strong>Author's End Note<strong>: I am going to request readers don't comment until my final chapter since I already have the final chapter planned out. Thanks! XOXO, _loveholixx_


	5. Goodbyes

Standard **disclaim **apply.

* * *

><p>::Chapter 5::<p>

Kaoru jerked awake, gasping for breath.

She clutched her heart, trying to take inventory of herself.

_I'm ok…it was just a dream…_

Kaoru sighed. In relief, but also with a twinge of sadness.

It was only a dream.

Kaoru turned her head towards the illuminating digital clock.

_2:00 AM…_

She closed her eyes, leaning back against the backboard of the bed.

She imagined about this time in Japan, Kenshin would be getting ready…dressing in his tuxedo, while his bride-to-be got ready, giggling, with her girlfriends.

Kaoru felt the frustration boiling over.

Letting out a muted scream, she climbed out of bed and stalked into the closet. Stripping out of her pajamas, she pulled on a pair of running shorts and sweatshirt.

Silently, Kaoru glided past Misao's dark bedroom and into the living room. Grabbing her earphones and ipod from the kitchen counter, she shoved her feet into her running shoes and quietly closed the door behind her.

After the initial stretching and warm-up, Kaoru ran.

Essentially, she was running away from everything; her emotions, her situation, her reality.

Each time thoughts of Kenshin threatened to overtake her senses, she ran harder. With each step against the hard pavement, she strove to erase him from her memories.

When screams of frustration and sense of loss threatened to bellow from deep inside her, she picked up her speed, running away from it all.

For days, she had been abusing her body in this way, wanting for something to change even while knowing it was useless.

After an hour of running, finally, Kaoru took a weary step up the stairs to her apartment; back to where she had started.

Temporarily numb, she nearly crawled to her bedroom, proceeding into her private bathroom, and turned the hot water on.

When the water filled the tub, Kaoru carefully dipped her body into the tub full of hot water and sank in.

She leaned against the tub and closed her eyes.

_It's horrible, this kind of feeling_, she mused.

It is a horrible, devastating feeling. Since waking at the hospital unharmed, she had felt numb. Even then, she had felt the need to run away. And she had. As soon as she could, she had come home to her childhood home iin Maryland and luckily, her parent's had left for a vacation abroad so she had the whole place to herself; with Misao, of course.

In New York, when she had waken but hadn't responded to anything, Sano, her doctor, had reassured Misao that it was due to the shock of seeing a car speed towards her, but they all knew it wasn't that.

Deep inside, something had broken. Her ability to cry and to feel had shattered along with her heart when Kenshin had nonchalantly announced his engagement.

Kaoru groaned, and sunk deeper into the calming water.

_If only…_

Wearily, Kaoru sank deeper and deeper into the tub until her whole body was submerged. And she stayed that way, biding her time.

"Kaoru!"

Tiny hands grabbed her shoulders from above and pulled her forward, out of the water.

"What are you doing? Are you crazy?" an angry Misao yelled.

Kaoru looked at Misao, questioningly.

"Sorry, did I wake you?" Kaoru asked her.

"You're kidding. 'Did I wake you'? Is that all you can say?" Misao screeched, making Kaoru wince.

Kaoru sighed. "I'm ok. Just needed to think."

"Uh huh. _In _the water?" Misao sat back, crossing her arms.

"Yeah," Kaoru grumbled. "Now get out, please."

"Fine, hurry up. You and I need to have a talk," Misao threw back and stalked out the door, slamming it behind her.

Kaoru sighed once more. _This…does not bode well_…

Before Misao could come barging in again, Kaoru hopped out of the bath and pulled on her bath robe.

Misao was waiting for her with a cup of hot chocolate when Kaoru found her way into the kitchen.

"So...same dream?" Misao asked as she handing Kaoru the hot chocolate.

Instead replying right away, Kaoru silently sat down, hugging the cup of hot chocolate in her hands.

"Yeah."

Misao sighed, knowing that nothing she said would be of any help to Kaoru at the moment.

Mid-sip, Kaoru glanced at the digital clock on the stove.

_5:00 AM... 6:00 PM in Japan..._

"He should be standing at the alter about now..." Kaoru murmured to herself.

Misao gave her a pitying glance. "You should stop now..."

Kaoru smiled wistfully and looked down into her cup. "Yeah, I should," she agreed. "But, you know, it's easier said than done."

"Oh, Kaoru..." Misao groaned, as she pulled Kaoru in for a long bear hug. "Time will heal. You'll be okay, again."

Mutely, Kaoru nodded in agreement. "I know. But at this moment, I'm still hoping beyond hope...that he is reminded of me, and walks out—"

"—that's—"

"—I know it's wrong! You don't have to say it. I know!" Kaoru sighed. "Wishing another woman be left at the altar is horrible. But, just let me be selfish today..._just_ this moment, please."

Misao sighed. "Alright. But promise me, it's just for today."

Kaoru nodded hesitantly. "I promise."

"Let's get some fresh air," Misao suggested, in that moment, forgetting that Kaoru had just returned from a long run.

"I just came back from a run, Misao. I've had enough fresh air, I would think," Kaoru reminded Misao in amusement.

Dumbfounded, Misao smacked herself. "Oh, yeah."

Kaoru smiled. "But I could go for a drive."

Misao brightened instantly. "Yes! A drive! Let's go!" she exclaimed, ready to head for the door.

"Uh huh. You're going to go for a drive in your night gown? You do realize I can see your ass, right?" Kaoru replied, no longer able to contain her laughter. "Plus, imagine Aoshi when he finds out you're going around Maryland indecently enclothed. He'd kill me, then he'd kill you!"

"Right. Oops~" Misao said as she nonchalantly sashayed to her guest bedroom. "He would kill us both, wouldn't he?" she mused.

Kaoru rolled her eyes and proceeded to follow Misao out of the kitchen. "Put on something decent," she tossed, passing by Misao's door, and entering her own.

She pulled on a pair of her favorite black Lucky Brand jeans and a white, plain cotton long sleeve shirt. Grabbing her favorite blue North Face windbreaker from the back of her chair, Kaoru struggled to pull on socks as she walked back to Misao's room.

"Ready?" Kaoru asked as she walked into Misao's room.

"Ready!" Misao declared, stepping out of her walk-in closet, clothed in her usual plain, purple t-shirt and blue Levi's skinny jeans.

"Ok, let's go. I guess we can take my car," Kaoru said as they pulled on their shoes.

"Yes, please. I hate driving."

They closed and locked the door behind them. Walking to the car, both women were lost in their own thoughts.

Misao tried to make a plan of how to steer their conversations away from Kenshin while Kaoru's thoughts hovered somewhere over Tokyo, Japan.

Kaoru sighed in relief as she closed the door and turned the engine on. At least driving would force her to concentrate on the road and keep her thoughts far from Kenshin for however long as possible.

"So, where do you want to go?" Misao piped up from the passenger seat.

"Well," Kaoru paused. "I was thinking maybe we could go to the park?"

Misao agreed and soon enough, Kaoru pulled into the parking lot of the park.

As Kaoru parked the car and got out, she took a deep breath, closing her eyes as memories rushed back to her.

It was in this park where she and Kenshin had had their first date.

This was where they had first held hands. Where they had shared their first kiss...

This park was a place of many memories...

_Of happy memories,_she realized.

"This is the perfect place to say goodbye," Kaoru murmured to herself.

"What?" Misao asked, unaware of Kaoru's thoughts.

Kaoru smiled serenely. "This is the perfect place to say goodbye to all the memories with Kenshin."

Misao studied Kaoru for a moment as if trying to understand the weight of her words. "Why this place?"

"Let's walk," Kaoru said instead of answering immediately.

Kaoru and Misao walked in silence as they watched the children ran around, rode their bikes, and skated around.

"This place used to be our place," Kaoru finally answered. "It was where he first asked me out, where we first held hands, where we shared our first kiss..."

"So, it's the perfect place to say goodbye?" asked Misao, curious.

Kaoru nodded. "Yeah. It's only right to let go of your memories in a place where most of your happiest memories were made, isn't it?"

Misao considered that for a moment, and nodded. "I guess so."

Kaoru smiled at Misao. "Then this was ours."

As they made their way around the pathway, Kaoru shared her memories and laughter with Misao. She pointed out the tree where she and Kenshin had attempted to carve their names. She told the story of when they had come picnicking.

As she shared her stories with Misao, Kaoru felt less burdened, happy she could share her precious memories and remember her happy moments once more.

Kaoru laughed as she remembered the funny moments and the happy moments, and Misao laughed along with her.

As they neared the end of the path, Misao asked the question that had bothered her from the beginning.

"Kaoru, why did you let him go?"

Kaoru paused, slowing her steps. She looked back to the path that they had walked.

The wind blew gently around them, and the trees danced to the wind, whistling along.

Kaoru closed her eyes for a moment before looking up into the clear blue sky.

"I let him go because I loved him and I didn't want either one of us to suffer anymore," Kaoru said, turning back to meet Misao's curious eyes. "But," she paused, wistfully. "I wished on every shooting star, prayed to every being, that he would love me enough to come back to me..."

Kaoru chuckled. "But, my long-awaited Prince Charming found another princess."

She glanced at her wrist watch. _8:00 AM..._

Closing her eyes, feeling the warm breeze around her, she imagined Kenshin and his fiance, Tomoe, exchanging rings then share their first kiss together as Mr. and Mrs. Kenshin Himura.

_I loved you..._

The warm spring breeze carried her love along, whispering it wherever the wind went...

As Kenshin exited the wedding hall and out into the darkened night with his new wife, he paused, touched by the gently blowing wind.

"What is it, Kenshin?" Tomoe asked from his side.

Smiling gently, Kenshin shook his head. "Nothing," he said as he gazed up at the stars.

After helping Tomoe into the car and closing the door after her, he looked once more into the sky.

_I loved you, too..._

And feeling the whisper in the breeze on her face, Kaoru smiled.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: <strong>This was supposed to be a sad ending but...I'm _such_ a sucker for positive endings. Thank you for reading! And I hope you all enjoyed. -_loveholixx_-


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